Published October 31, 2007
this is about a girl which sadly our parents didnt like us seeing eachother and split us up after we had a secret relationship kind of a romeo and juliet story. so please enjoy if you cant enjoy please tell me what would make it so you would ok
All they do is seem to make me frown
Never good they always bring me down
Do they expect me to just forget?
About this amazing girl I have met
They made me all alone
My heart is not of stone
I will never be the same
You’ve scarred me your to blame
and it’s for the best im told
but this feels all so cold
im lying on the ground
now there’s no more sound
Just drowning in the rain
I am scared and I feel the pain
so why don’t you let it be
Why don’t you let it rest?
Why don’t you stop tormenting me?
Is this some cruel test?
This was back in September
You think i could forget
But my brain wants to remember.
About this girl I have met.
We were pulled apart like bits of string
They shot us down and took our wings
I just stare, stare up into the sky
wishing I was with her, wishing I could fly.
In dreams I saw the place where she would stand
and then we would run off hand in hand.
My dreams are painful, deep and set
But how I remember, how could I forget.
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Wow.
I can tell how intense your feelings are for this girl!
I LOVED that poem. It seems like a song.
Beautiful.♥
topic15553.html
In this poem you'll see I organized each question word to it's own stanza. Organize your feelings in a way. Go bye time it all happened or something. Trust me, if you divide it it will flow better and sound better. Hope I helped. See ya.
Let's see, over all I liked it. The topic is good and you had decent word choice. Just a few things to make it better.
1) The rhyming was way off. At times it worked at others it ruined the poem. i find it easier to write poetry without rhyme.
2) Stanzas! They help add foundation to a poem. Also, stanzas sort of organize the poem. I'll post a link after this to one of my poems that show that well.
3) I'm saying this to a lot of people today, PUNCTUATION! It helps to set mood, rhythm, and basic flow. Read it to yourself and think about it.
Other than those it was good. Keep it up.
Wow!
First off, let me say that you have some grammar issues, and some of your rhymes seem forced, but the emotion makes up for that. I'm glad that you decided to write this poem--your passion is really fierce! Sometimes the best things we write are also the hardest to write, because they bring up painful memories. You did a great job.
As the reader, I want to know more about this girl. What did she look like? What was her personality? What did you guys do together?
Also, try spacing this into verses so it doesn't seem like one big clump.
Great job. Keep writing.
Great! It is very sad and deep. And as Snoink mentioned, let your beautiful poem flow and don't worry about making it rhyme.
And remember, the world is full of amazing people and you still have a long way to walk and lots of people to meet.
Keep up with your talent!
Don't worry so much about rhyming! Just get your poem out... it really doesn't have to rhyme to be poetry.